Rant: Sex Positive and some tips.

Healthy Expression of Sexuality and some Tips

I know that last year I wrote about this topic. I merely scratched the surface in that post and this one has been sitting as a draft waiting to get finished since last Spring (damn you mood episodes which robbed me of so much in the last year)


I frequently see the term Sex Positive thrown around by many bloggers. While I agree that every individual should be empowered to have a healthy and positive outlook on sex and sexuality I do not agree with some fellow bloggers in their definition of Sex Positive. I also see less of a positive attitude and more of one that is dripping with venomous hatred, ignorance to the true diversity of human sexuality and arrogance.  

Far too often I have seen comments in regards to what is “normal” and “abnormal”. They encourage people to engage in behavior that they, the blogger sees as a normal expression of human sexuality. They disregard the notion that some behaviors or beliefs are ingrained as "immoral" by society, religion, personal belief etc (virginity is a big one here) or fail to recognize that people are naturally inclined to have their own likes and dislikes. Our sexual wants and needs are as diverse as our favorite foods and yet when that diversity shows up in a comment many bloggers are quick to say things that are actually quite the opposite of sex positive.

While many of my friends and I actively engage in discussions on sex, there are also a few in our group that view such conversations as a more private matter. For them such topics should only be discussed between them and their partner. They are uncomfortable divulging details or even just discussing topics that are of a sexual nature.

None of these people are abnormal. For some sex is a very intimate and private matter. I define sex positive as a complex mixture of healthy expression that is true to self and not shaming others because they have a differently held morals/likes/dislikes than I.

A few things to remember when tossing around the phrase sex positive.

1. Not everyone is the same. We have our own quirks, our own kinks, our own fetishes and our own turn ons. They may not align up with others but as long as everything is consensual then it is okay.

Imagine reading a sex toy review where the author raves about the product and then a reader points out that they did not enjoy the toy. Instead of encouraging a discussion on the different types of toys and how they may work for one person and not another the author says something along this lines “You must be seriously weird, that vibrator/dildo/anal toy etc is the greatest invention.”

Or maybe a reader has a fetish that involves humiliation, or certain kinds of clothing props and the author says things in regards to how such types of fetishes are anti-female/anti-male. That any person who indulges in such fetishes need help.

If the adult reader is only indulging their fantasies with consenting adult partners then what they are doing is neither wrong or abnormal. Just because a company creates and markets toys to a niche fantasy market does not make them misogynistic, it just means that they see a market for those sexual products. Also the people using them are also not necessarily misogynistic themselves.

The same goes for sex toys and masturbation. Not everyone enjoys masturbation with sex toys. Some may not enjoy penetration toys while others due to sensitivity may not actually enjoy the use of vibrators(or prefer less powerful ones) and then there are some don't even enjoy the very act of masturbation. Keep that in mind when approached by readers who may be questioning the need to use sex toys. 

2. Being sex positive means not harboring any negative thoughts towards any consensual activity or sexual preferences or even the frequency and activities of others.

Not everyone is poly or can engage in hedonistic sex. For some, a single sexual partner is all they really want. They only want to have sex with a person with who they have an intense emotional connection with. Others may enjoy sexual activity with multiple partners, or sexual acts without emotional connection.

Some people are honestly comfortable and satisfied with only engaging in a few positions strictly within the confines of the bedroom and yet others have a zest for adventure and variety.

A persons actual sex drive could be such as they only want/need sexual contact a few times a month if not less. Then there are those on the opposite end of spectrum who need sex frequently.

The key is as long as that person is happy, and has a fulfilling sex life on their terms with partners that are consenting and in agreement with these terms then there is nothing wrong. They don't need encouraged to go try XYZ to be awoken sexually. They are already happy and secure in their sexuality.

3. Bragging about the products you get for free to review comes across to many of your readers as immature.

I am not talking about the FCC compliance disclaimers, those can't/shouldn't be dropped from blogs.

Yeah its great that companies trust your opinion enough to send you free items to test and review, but that doesn't mean you can do multiple entries on the just the fact that you get all your sexual products for free. Besides being immature it also can be viewed as highly unprofessional. It honestly also makes it seem as if you are only doing this for those free items.

I think every reader can get the posts that are dripped in excitement about getting the chance to review a coveted toy, but it is another thing when almost every other post makes mentions of all the freebies you get and are only related to that.

4. As much as I see the term misogyny tossed around I really think sex positive bloggers need to learn the term misandry.

There is nothing wrong with having female positive/empowering posts but don't do it at the expense of the other genders. Far too often I have encountered posts that degrade males or marginalize them. And while the War on Women is very real that doesn't mean that every male is against them. Also on that point, men can support and sympathize with women in these matters. Telling men things like “No you can't support us because you are a man.” is like telling straight people “you can't support gay rights because you have no clue what it really like to be gay.”

Plain and simple, the vast majority of men are not rapists. The vast majority of men actually do support gender equality. The vast majority of men are not slut shaming misogynistic pigs. So stop portraying them all as that. It is okay to call out the true pigs but don't lump every male into that category. Besides as I stated in another post I have encountered far more women engaging in slut shaming than men in my life.  You want to change attitudes and media portrayals then start with your own genders first. Direct your anger at the women who also behave no better than the men that you repeatably slam into.  

5. Your kinks and fetishes are yours and mine are mine.

Someones kinks or fetishes don't match up to yours, that is fine. It is also fine to even state that but demonizing others for having a kink or fetish that turns you off is the opposite of sex positive. BDSM isn't your thing, that is okay.  It is not okay to portray men who are doms as abusive, misogynistic pigs who hate woman or female subs as weak and in need of help. 

6. Research terms before using them.

I see the term pansexual used a lot to describe people. More often than not these same people also moan about the fact that men/woman/transmen/transwoman/ect flirt with them. They will then go on to state how they are not attracted to that sex/gender but only attracted to people who are (insert sex/gender here). That is not pansexuality. The actual definition of pansexual is sexual attraction regardless of sex and gender. To put this in simple terms if you are not sexually attracted to person for the reason that they have a penis or those who lack a penis then you are not pansexual. For pansexuals the genitalia or gender identity is not a factor what so ever in forming sexual attraction. They are attracted to the person not their parts.

The same goes with genderqueer. This gets tossed around as much as pansexual.  More often than not it is tossed out there to make the person appear more trendy and edgy when in reality it becomes quickly obvious that the writer is just trying to impress others.

Don't be trendy, just be yourself. Many times when people are being trendy it shows in their lack of actual knowledge of the terms and the content of their writing.   

7. Education! 

Sexual education is important.  While experience is a great teacher it never hurts to hit the books (so to speak).  Keep expanding your sexual knowledge, and unless your blog is a about specific aspect of human sexuality or sex acts try to write about various different topics. There are many areas of sex, sexuality, and sex education that get ignored in pursuit of topics that have been covered by dozens of other bloggers. 

Another thing to remember when it comes to education is that in a way we are educators our selves. Or at least that is how our readers look at us. If a person comes to you either publicly or privately with questions treat them with respect and not with ridicule and disdain.  Many people are not afforded the opportunity of having access to a comprehensive sexual education. Yes, yes I know there is the internet. Even in the day with quick internet searches it is still possible for a person to lack knowledge or still hold onto misinformation.

8. Ditch the arrogance.

This goes along with # 7  but I felt that it deserved its own separate entry do the proliferation of this kind of behavior.

Some days while reading other blogs I am not sure if I am reading something written by an adult or an immature brat. The level of arrogance and extreme tilt towards being offended by even the slightest critical comment or suggestion is mind numbing.  If you are calling yourself a sex educator this type of behavior comes across as unprofessional at the least and as as highly ignorant towards differing opinions and insecure in more extreme cases.

These tips are not meant to offend or even single out bloggers.  If anything they are meant for those who are considering pursuing this.And I am sure that as time goes on I will expand to this list.