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Relationships: Unhealthy Relationships

Unhealthy Relationships

One of things that I find extremely difficult to understand is how some people can jump from one unhealthy relationship into another one. These people almost appear to be stuck in a perpetual fantasy where they either believe that they can change their partners or that somehow these kinds of relationships are the norm.

I personally as most people would define an unhealthy relationship by some of the following criteria:
  • A relationship that is self centered and unbalanced in needs being met.
  • A relationship where manipulation, pressure and using are common.
  • A relationship that contains physical violence, demeaning words directed at a partner.
  • A relationship where one attempts to control the other.
  • A relationship where one or both participants have no self identity outside of the relationship.
  • A relationship where one or both participants are unhappy.
  • A relationship where jealousy and mistrust is a large part of it.

That list is far from an actual complete list of possible things that could define an unhealthy relationship. In my prior post I spoke of my co-worker Kim who seems to jump from one bad relationship to another. She was raised in an environment that did little to nothing to instill self esteem and a sense of self worth. Wrapped up in a protective bubble where sex was viewed as dirty and an obligation left a twisted view on relationships and sex in general. The end result of which is she has no real concept of what a relationship is or any inclination to make positive changes that could perhaps lead her to finding peace and happiness.

Instead she rationalizes the abuse she is dealt as a normal part of a partnership. Being taught that all men seek to use the woman for either financial need or sexual gratification has resulted in her allowing men to do just that. In her world mutual respect, trust, equality, communication and a sense of self identity are alien. More sadly is that anyone who even attempts to educate her is met not only with resistance but an immature outburst of anger. She takes advice as an insult, rather than what it really is. She believes that anyone who lends a helping hand is doing so malicious intent.

The best those of us who know her can do is stand back and watch. Watch as she continues sink deeper and deeper into an unhappy cesspool of bad relationships. Watch as life passes her by while she pursues men that bring nothing to the table but jealousy, self centered control where the whole relationship revolves around them and their needs being met while hers are ridiculed or ignored. They demean her constantly, putting her down by calling her slut and whore, while telling her that she will never get another man.

Sick part is they are right. Her levels of self esteem and worth are so low, if they exist at all, that she will continue to seek out these types of men. Yes, her odds of encountering a man who is the opposite of them is high, her chances of entering into a relationship with such a man is non existent. Her very outlook and expectations of what a relationship is would make them turn away. The fact that her whole identity is based on relationship status would cause them back up and think twice.

So what can be done with such a person. Is their hope that in the future she could wake up and see reality? Hard to say, like I said she takes any advice given to her as a negative remark meant to hurt her. For example, I actually tried telling her that she deserves better which was taken as a negative remark. Some how it was twisted to mean that I looked down on her and thought less of her.

Kim will continue to make these choices. She will continue to be unhappy. Maybe one day she will see that those of us who have gave advice did so with good intent. That we merely would like to see her in a healthy stable relationship and happy. That she deserves a man a in her life who will show her respect, support her, love her for who she is. That she will understand that normal relationships are polluted by jealousy, abuse and manipulation.  


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