In this day and age it is hard to believe that sexual ignorance still exists, but it does. My first hand experience in this area while hysterical in some instances is also disgusting and horror inducing.
Case in point is a young lady in her early twenties that I work with, I'll her Kim. She is pretty, smart and could pretty much take the world on and come out on top. Yet she is so ignorant when it comes to sexuality and relationships. Her upbringing has left her lacking the skills that are necessary in navigating real world relationships. She was more than likely brought up believing that as a female she needs to be in relationship, this has resulted in a succession of unhealthy relationships that involve abuse and emotional neglect. Kim seems to seek out these assholes because she has heard so many times that she is worthless and can't make it without a man, yet these men are more a burden than an actual partner when it comes down to it. They manipulate and use her, and as long as she has money to spend and is willing to spread her legs they stick around.
A list of other damaging thoughts and behavior that we have seen from her is repulsive and enough to make any sane person want to strangle the people that told her this information.
- She continues to engage in unsafe sex practices because she was told that condoms do little to protect a person from either STDs and unwanted pregnancies. The result of which is she has multiple children. She was also told that only whores use condoms.
- She has stated on more than one occasion that she has never experienced an orgasm and that only “bad girls” actually enjoy sex, that good girls do it because they are obligated to keep their man happy.
- That if a man keeps pressuring that it is best to give in and make him happy because other wise he might leave you. She has even stated that she has had sex when she really really didn't want to.
- Along with the above, she has stated that it is only rape if it a stranger that does it. That boyfriends/husbands can't rape a girl because it is her duty to put out regardless of if the girl wants to or not.
- On numerous occasions she has said that masturbation is a form of cheating and that people who do engage in are mentally disturbed and damaging their chances of a healthy sexual relationship.
- Has stated that “blue balls” can physically damage a guy and therefore if an erection happens then the girl must engage in sexual activity or either wise the guy might need medical treatment.
- That birth control will cause a female to become sterile.
- That if a female is in a sexual relationship with someone that they have to everything the guy wants regardless of if they are disgusted, uncomfortable or want to do it.
- That it is perfectly normal for a guy to slap his girlfriend if she refuses his demands.
- That it is normal for a guy to belittle, demean or otherwise put down his girlfriend.
- That STDs can only be contracted that through vaginal sex, and that oral and anal sex are not actual sexual acts and therefor carry no risks.
- Besides vagina she could not name a single part of the female sexual organs correctly. As in she had no idea what the clitoris and labia were.
- Honestly thought that people could not physically engage in sexual activity in a car, outside in general or while standing up.
- Has stated that it is a myth that men actually go down on a girl, and that only lesbians engage in cunnilingus.
- That once a girl engages in sexual activity with a person that she is tainted and might as well screw every one that walks into their life.
Like I said Kim is not a stupid girl, but she is highly ignorant when it comes to sexuality and relationships in general. Her unhealthy view of both has led to her being highly unsatisfied and she honestly has a hard time grasping that others enjoy sex. To her sex is a chore, something you do to either keep your man happy or because you are obligated. She has admitted that she was raised in a house where sex was barely spoken about except to impress upon her that it was dirty, disgusting and that females shouldn't enjoy it.
Many of us, her coworkers that is, have tried explaining that her information is false. We have tried our best to educate her with factual information on not only birth control but also that girls to have a right to not enjoy sex but also to refuse it at any time. Two of us in particular have tried to impress upon her that she is in no way dirty, damaged or that sex is something to hate. Me, who has a lot of experience with numerous partners and another older lady who lost her virginity on her wedding night. We have been hoping that given to the two extremes between us that somehow she
The most sickening part is that she is not alone in her beliefs on sexuality. While she is on the more extreme of the spectrum, I have encountered others who shared similar held beliefs. The one thing that they all had in common was an upbringing where sex was made out to be dirty and sinful. They had little to no actual sex education in either the home or at school.
I am a firm believer that teens should have access to a factual based comprehensive sex education. If not only to help them make informed choices about their health and sexual behavior but also to instill the necessary skills to navigate relationships and also to reenforce a sense of self worth and self respect in young people. Tell these girls (and boys) that they have a right to refuse sex. That sex is not something that is dirty and to be hated. That sex can be pleasurable for both parties, that sex can be an integral part of shared intimacy between two people and should never be used to get or keep a partner.
Educate them on masturbation and the positive effects that it can have on a persons sexual experience. Point out the risks associated with sexual activity, and then arm them with the information of how they can reduce their chances of an STD or unwanted pregnancy. I can't understand how any parent would object to this. Giving the information is not the same as giving permission to go fuck. Parents can still teach their own moral/religious objection on sexual activity outside the confines of marriage while teaching that sex is something beautiful to be engaged in between a man and wife.
I myself had such an education. It was made very clear that my parents wished that I did not engage in premarital sexual activity, but that it was ultimately my choice to make...not theirs or my boyfriends to make for me and here is correct and factual information to help make that choice. The result of which, while yes I did loose my virginity at the age of 15 I did so with confidence and with much discussion with my then boyfriend. He and I engaged in open and honest discussions on every aspect from protecting ourselves to the possible emotion effects. We voiced our fears and expectations and respected each others opinions, taking things slow and never crossing the line if either of us became uncomfortable.
I am going to do two more parts this in the near future...one will be more in depth about the sex education that I received and how it gave me the information to make choices and the other will be about the early sexual exploration that I engaged using that that information and how this gave me a positive outlook on sex and a great foundation for future relationships. I will also be sharing some of my friends experiences to give a more rounded view of this topic.